6/23/11 283lbs

I have FINALLY put a dent in my weight. I finally feel like I am losing weight. I have a long way to go, but I actually feel lighter. I look down and my stomach is smaller. I can stand at work for longer without it hurting my feet.

I've gone pretty extreme. No carbs at all: no bread, pasta, potatoes. No sugar at all. And no dairy at all. Just lean protein, two fruits a day and vegetables. I've managed to stick to it for the past 10 days.

My friends have been really helpful. Nina has introduced me to Vemma, which keeps me loaded up on anti-oxidants, vitamins and minerals. I use the Vemma Thirst, which goes in a bottle of water, so that I'm sure to drink my water. My friends at Starbucks are helping me stay away from the sweets and pastries there. My friend Katie was so awesome the other night; I dropped in for a visit and she made me a salad even though the rest of the family was eating pork chops and rice. When I go to trivia on Tuesdays my girls are so supportive, they always keep the basket of chips way on the other side of the table so I can't get to it...haha.

I've decided that when I get to my half-way point, which is 227lbs, I am going to buy myself a diamond. I never got an engagement ring, so I'd love to have something sparkly. It's also kind of a new beginning. When I get to my half-way point we'll get re-engaged, have a little honeymoon period while I lose the rest of the weight, then have a baby!

Keep your fingers crossed.

6/7/11 293lbs

Carbs are the devil. Obviously carbs are my issue. I've had less than 1oo carbs a day for over a week now, with almost no problems and...tah-dah...weight loss. One could argue that I lose weight whenever I pay attention to what I'm eating. Whether its counting calories, not eating animal protein, eating only shakes, eating every two hours, not eating carbs, in all those situations I lost weight. And when my life gets hectic and I stop focusing on what I am eating...I gain weight. But I must say, that when I cut out carbs I'm not as hungry. If I eat oatmeal or a bagel for breakfast at 8am I am hungry by 10am. If I eat a couple of slices of pre-cooked bacon and a hard-boiled egg, I am not hungry until 12pm easily.

I'm not living a total Atkins lifestyle. I am having almost 100% protein for breakfast, but then for lunch I have a huge green salad. And dinner is more lean protein and either another green salad or some kind of vegetable. I've been getting my sweet fix with berries and Cool Whip Free. I guess the way I'm eating is a little closer to South Beach, but I'm not following anything I'm just trying to use common sense.

I have switched to weighing/blogging on Tuesdays because I go to Trivia at Finnigan's every Tuesday night and I can't have a drink because I'm afraid of getting on the scale the next day. If I weigh in before I go I won't have that anxiety.

I've also been drinking this Mangosteen product called Vemma. It's basically liquid vitamins. But I think because its liquid my body is absorbing it better and so the vitamins and anti-oxidants are actually doing their job. I have a ton more energy, also I've noticed my foot and ankle pain diminishing which keeps me moving for a little bit longer. Steve had a lot of beer the other night and he only had a teeny headache the next day, no throwing up, no stomach problems at all. It's kind of expensive, but totally worth it. Plus, Steve and I take a handful of vitamins everyday so we were probably spending the same amount in all of those vitamins as we are on Vemma. I think its helping me focus more on sticking to a low-carb diet. Although a 2oz shot of Vemma has 8 carbs....hahaha I don't care!!

5/25/11 297lbs

I know, I know its been over two weeks! Things were really bad when I posted my last blog. I received overwhelming response and support from all of my friends and family, thank you all so much.

So, now I'm back on a losing track. I've been tracking my food on Weight Watchers, counting my points and trudging along. One of my on-going struggles is that I am so hungry all the time. One day I decided to try eating every two hours, but I couldn't even wait the whole two hours before I was hungry again. When I asked my therapist what she thought, she suggested that its because I'm eating almost all carbs. I start my day with oatmeal, usually have either an apple or banana as a snack, have a Lean Cuisine for lunch with either a salad or carrots on the side, it is all carbs. My first serving of real protein doesn't come until lunch time and that is usually a pretty small amount in the frozen dinner. So, the next day I tried eating as few carbs as possible. Sure enough, I wasn't hungry all day. I ate every four hours and had no hunger pangs at all.

So I've done some grocery shopping. Got some stuff for omelets, stuff for chicken salad and tuna salad, more vegetables to eat at dinner time. I've been eating low-carb for two days now and I'm not nearly as hungry. Something I always notice when I start to eat low carb is that i have an immediate change, my clothes get baggy instantly. So I'll give this a try for a while. I'm sure I'll get burned out on it eventually and have another meltdown. Stay tuned.

5/11/11 301 lbs

Here's the thing. This happens EVERY TIME. I get all gung-ho about losing weight for a few weeks and then it all falls apart. Its like I fool myself into thinking that I can do it, and I go along with that for a while, and then reality sets in and I realize that I don't have time or the energy to keep it all up.

I'm also have a serious mid-life crisis. I want to be self-employed, but I also want to make a decent amount of money. I'm constantly being torn by the concept of being my own boss and being in a company that I can excel in. I've also been screwed over by every job I've ever had, so I have this fear that if I went back to work for a company I'd kill myself to impress the boss and go no where (which has happened over and over again EVEN IN MY OWN BUSINESS). I'm living in this sea of wishy-washy-ness. I work at Starbucks for the security, but then I have this business for the freedom. I am getting pulled in about 18 different directions, and NOT MAKING ANY MONEY.

The job and the food thing go hand-in-hand. I have always felt that if I could be my own boss I would have control over my eating habits. Obviously that is not the answer. I also have always felt that if I could get to a certain level of financial comfort I would have control over my eating habits. Well I'm killing myself trying to get to that point. I'm just running in this hamster wheel going no where. Having no money and staying fat.

My husband turns into a robot when I bring all this up. "Whatever you want, dear." "Whatever makes you happy." "Sounds good to me."

So during our vacation I spent a lot of time listening to my friend who works for Estee Lauder. She started out as a counter-girl and now she's a big wig educator. I don't want her job, she travels way too much. But I can't help thinking, if she can do it so can I! Should I go to my managers at Starbucks and tell them that I'm interested in moving up? Should I go to my friend at Aveda and tell her? Although at Aveda I'd have to work there for years without insurance before I get into management. Should I apply at the Estee Lauder counter in Hanes Mall Belk, which apparently is the most profitable counter in the whole Southeast, where I could be a counter girl and make a huge commission and possibly move into management? Oh, by the way, in all those jobs I'm going to be on my feet for eight hours a day which will absolutely KILL ME!!

All my life I have been fed this line of bullshit about working hard and moving up in a company. I've been blindly working hard my whole life and ITS NOT WORKING!!! Meanwhile everyone I know...my sister, my friends, random people that I meet...are all there. What happened? How am I still working like I'm 25? How did I put myself through school TWICE and not have anything come of it TWICE!?

I'm tired, I'm tired of killing myself with work, I'm tired of being broke, I'm tired of being fat. But I have no clue how to fix any of it....none. No amount of EFT tapping will tell me what to do. No amount of talking to a therapist, spiritual counselor, girlfriend will make it happen. There's a switch in me that needs to be flipped and I have no idea where it is or how to flip it.

4/27/11 297lbs

Hooray! I lost a pound! Considering the past two weeks have been my busiest ever, that is a miracle. I don't even know what I did to lose. I didn't walk, I didn't drink nearly enough water. I did make pretty good choices though. We had lots of salads for dinner, even had a salad for lunch over the weekend. Our Easter dinner was a disaster, so I didn't eat a whole lot of it. How many times do I have to tell people not to buy meat at Walmart?!?! Steve bought ribs at Walmart and they were basically bone-in slabs of rubber despite his painstaking, day-long preparation.

Oh, Thyroid Update! The doc said that the first test it was up and then the second test (which was a week later) it was down a little bit. All my other hormone levels are normal, so she doesn't want to put me on a thyroid medication that could cause heart palpitations and high blood pressure. My Grandpa died from a hyperthyroid, so I'm not in a big hurry to speed up my thyroid if its not needed. I'm going back in September to have another check. She said if its up then she's going to send me to an endocrinologist. My hope is that by September I will be down about 50-60 lbs and I'll be healthy as a horse!

I don't have much else to report this week. Like I said, I kinda feel like I've cheated the scale this week. But that one pound has sky-rocketed my motivation, so next week I'll have plenty to talk about.

4/20/11 298lbs

Usually I have my little gain every four weeks. Its only been three. I did have a crazy week last week. I ate out almost every meal, and while I made good choices it was still eating out. Didn't drink nearly enough water either. Also didn't walk at all, well unless you count the countless treks in and out of Wake Forest Baptist Health Center. I already had a busy week planned, and then the education department added about 100 new CPR classes.

If I'm not eating because I'm stressed I'm eating because "I deserve it." I don't have time to reward myself with anything else, like a facial or a massage, so I eat.

This feels like the hardest thing I've ever done. I have to tell myself not to do something, not to go to McDonalds, not to go to Krispy Kreme, etc. I have to listen to myself. I have to discipline myself. It's miserable. Its funny because I look at last week's blog and think, "Who wrote that?" "Who is that optimistic person?" Because right now I've gone back to my old habits of, "Who gives a crap." And, "I'll work it off later."

It'll be interesting to go back later and look at my different blogs, the bright peppy ones where I'm sure I can stick to this forever and the dark negative ones where I'm sure I'll be fat forever.

4/13 294lbs

Well, I lost 2 more pounds. My total loss so far is 14lbs. Yay!

This week's theme is "choices". I'm amazed at myself. I've been making really great choices. I went to the movies last week and DID NOT eat popcorn. That is a huge feat for me. I drank about a gallon of Diet Coke, but no food. I have gotten into a bad habit of having Jimmy John's deliver to my office when there's a Subway within walking distance. My Jimmy John's sub is way more points than a Subway sub, plus I get a little bit of activity points. Steve made us a shrimp pasta dish and he left me a TON of pasta, I just threw half of it out. Kept the shrimp and some of the pasta, but didn't feel one bit guilty about throwing it out (he didn't notice anyway).

One thing I've noticed is that I spend a lot of time by myself. As soon as I find myself in social situations I eat like crazy. Its like the girl who only smokes when she's in a bar, I only eat bad when I'm with my friends. I need to work through that.

So in the past when I had crazy-busy work weeks I would eat nothing but hamburgers and french fries. This has been one of those week's and I am happy to say I have not indulged in anything like that. I do have this weird thing that I do at certain times of the day, I'll find myself blindly going to the vending machine and getting a snack. When I say blindly I mean I really don't even realize I'm doing it until I'm eating the food. This week its been related to water. I've been trying to drink more water, so I'm standing at the vending machine to get a bottle of water and the next thing I know I'm eating Fat Free Fig Newtons. I have been making pretty good choices like the FF Figs though. And I am drinking water, not Pepsi, so that's good. I also find myself prioritizing food/planning in a weird way. Like the other day I had to decide between putting my meals together for the day and taking a shower....didn't have time for both. I went with the meal planning! I took a shower later that day of course, but I had to make the choice to stick with my plan.

Even though I didn't eat hamburgers and fries, I did try a couple of lighter options at some fast food restaurants. The Hardee's BBQ Ranch Turkey Burger is 12 points and its not very big. Luckily I get a lot of points on WW, so I had the budget for it. It did taste good, but I need more food for that many points. I also tried Wendy's Grilled Chicken Wrap. It's 7 points and it is also not very big. I did feel fairly full after eating it, so I guess it was worth the points. The Turkey Burger had a ton of lettuce tomatoes and onions, so I at least got one serving of vegetables out of it.

4/6/11 - 296lbs

Wow, 7lbs since last week. Well, I'm pretty sure last week's gain was water weight, so technically I probably lost 5lbs. But still, I've lost 12lbs since I started....HOORAY!

This week's blog is dedicated to my new renegade method of walking. Last week my friend Ashley and I wanted to walk kind of early in the morning, but it was raining. The mall was our first choice, but it was too early. So we went to Wal-mart! Three laps around the outermost aisle of a Super Wal-mart took 30 minutes. On Sunday I had gone to the grocery store kinda early to avoid the church crowd. I knew I was going to be lazy the rest of the day, so I took it upon myself to walk up and down the aisles of the grocery store for 30 minutes! At the grocery store you have to go up and down the aisles and one lap around the outside three times to get a 30 minute walk in. Pushing a cart full of food adds resistance. My friend Genea and I have taken to walking for 30 minutes around downtown before Trivia on Tuesdays. It takes a little strategy to stay out of the scary neighborhoods, but its fun to see downtown in a new perspective. Genea and I also walked a couple laps around the movie theater parking lot last night because we always go to the movies on the Tuesdays where there is no Trivia.

I also wanted to give my friends a little more insight on the EFT that I mentioned back in my March 8th post. The website that I got the steps from is www.EFTuniverse.com. This stuff is like Prozac, I'm telling you. I don't want to list the steps on here because I don't want to get in trouble for like copyright infringement or something, but I really recommend it to anyone who is dealing with any kind of inner pain. Even if its minor, I mean my stuff that I'm dealing with is not that major, but I still do it and it really levels me out. Its awesome stuff.

Weight Watchers is going great so far. One thing I'm realizing is that I have to add stuff to everything I eat. I have to add dried fruit to my oatmeal, I have to add granola to my yogurt, I have to have hummus with my carrots or peanut butter with my apples. So I'm trying to eliminate one of those things at a time. I am also stepping myself down from full-fat dairy. This week I bought 2% everything. After a few weeks I'll be going non-fat.

3/30/11 303

Gained 2lbs...but as planned, and as promised, I am still blogging. I am not going to let a little hiccup get in my way.

Well I knew that the time would come when I would "plateau" I tend to do it a little quicker than other people do, I don't know why. There are certain weeks in my cycle that if I am not absolutely perfect in my dieting I will gain weight, this is that week. The good news is that there are also certain weeks in my cycle that I can eat almost anything I want and lose weight. And during those weeks if I really pay attention and stick to the plan I lose a whole bunch. So I won't give up, promise.

Even though I've been losing all along I was feeling like I should be counting or tracking somehow. I kinda had it in my head that the first time I gained weight I would start counting calories. So what I did was join the Weight Watchers online program. I can put my "plan" that I'm going to email to my therapist into their little database (massive database actually) and see that I am within good guidelines. I was kind of impressed to find out that WW doesn't use calories to calculate points anymore, they use carbs/protein/fat/fiber. They've revamped how they calculate points and how many points we get since the last time I did WW. I get 44 points, plus the "bonus" points which works out to about 6 per day! That's a lot of effen points! Although I put my whole plan for tomorrow in there without calculating how many points are in my daily cup of coffee, and it came to 44. Hmmmm, should I dump the Skinny Cow Ice Cream Sandwich or the cup of coffee? Choices, choices.

So my blood work wasn't horrible. The cholesterol and glucose were "kind of" high, but nothing I need to take medication for, thank god. We'll check those again in a few months and see if there are any improvements. My thyroid hormone is up, which apparently means that my thyroid is slow. My Mother should feel vindicated, she's been blaming my weight on my thyroid my whole life. I had to have more tests done, but I think the doc's going to put me on some thyroid medication. The doc says that thyroid meds will help me lose weight, whoo hoo bring it on.

3/23/11 301

Down 2lbs!! Yay!

One thing I am especially proud of is that I have only had one fast food item (a fish sandwich from Wendy's no fries), ZERO regular soda and ZERO white chocolate mochas in two weeks!!
Thank goodness for Shaken Iced Passion Tea with Splenda!!!

This week I have to start being a little stricter. So far I've been saying, "Well if its on the 'plan' I can eat it." Meaning, if I allowed myself to plan for it that makes it OK. But now I have to start being more selective about what goes on my "plan".

Thanks to my girls Genea, Ashley Brady and Rosie Posie I have been walking three times a week. Its been soooooooooooooo nice out, its awesome.

I went to get my blood work done so I can know what my starting point is as far as cholesterol and blood sugar goes. I'll probably have that info to put in next week's blog. The doctor called and "wants to talk to me about it". You can guarantee that'll be in next week's blog as well.

The days where I want to snack are getting less and less. I feel like if I'm going to splurge it better be for a very good reason, haven't had that reason yet. Even on my birthday I didn't go completely crazy.......oh man I just realized I did have a white mocha on my birthday. HaHa oh well.

3/15/11 - 303

Lost 5lbs, hooray! Almost forgot to post too!

I think part of my last post sounded really negative and I didn't mean it that way. I just really need people to be honest with me rather than nice to me. I really do appreciate all the love and support y'all give me.

I also forgot to mention in my last post that I have a goal............

I'm going to Colorado for Christmas this year, and I'd really like for there to be a visible difference in my physique when I see my family next. I'm not going to say it has to be this many pounds or this many inches, I just want there to be a significant change in my appearance. Oh, I also want to be able to climb up the little trail between my sister's house and their garden. I did it last time I was there, but I think my sister's friend Sarah was really afraid for my life (as was I frankly).

I have to say that emailing my therapist on a daily basis is really helpful. I have to look at my schedule for the day and say, this is when I'm going to eat and this is what I'm going to eat. It completely eliminates the need to drive-thru somewhere, unless that's on the plan. Like last week I knew I was only going to have a few minutes between working at Starbucks and teaching a CPR class. I'm going to have to drive-thru somewhere, but because I knew that ahead of time and I set my intention to get a grilled chicken sandwich instead of a hamburger I stuck to it. I also know that if I'm working at Starbucks from 10am - 2pm (right through lunchtime), I'm going to have to bring a Lean Cuisine or a sandwich so that I can eat it on my break (they are really strict about making sure we always get a 10 min break even during a short little shift). I really lucked out with this lady, she is awesome.

Our next visit is next week and we are going to discuss EFT which is a technique where you isolate a pain or a stressor and you tap on acupressure points on your body and its supposed to help eliminate the emotional memory that is causing a problem. I vaguely remember a guy doing this on TV about five years ago, but I didn't take it very seriously. Now that I've seen some scientific studies and documentation I think I might be able to practice it a little better. If it works for me I am seriously considering studying it and incorporating it as part of my massage practice.

As far as my week went, I had some ups and downs emotionally and I managed to stick to the plan pretty much on a daily basis. The very first day I was having some serious with-drawls, I guess from sugar because soda is the only thing I've really eliminated. I'm still eating carbs, I'm still eating meat, I'm still eating sodium. Although I'm eating much less of all of it and much better quality of all of it. Even during my searing headache I stuck to the plan I had set for myself that day. Had a couple of really good days after that. My birthday was a little bit of a challenge, its really hard for me to be away from my family on my birthday. I'm 38, broke and childless. But even through that little emotional roller-coaster I stuck to the plan. Well I did add shrimp to my dinner and had a white mocha on the way home from dinner, but I didn't eat two Double Quarter Pounders and two large fries and no soda at all which is amazing because soda had really become my "crack". Being home with Steve all day is actually more of a challenge than I thought it would be. He doesn't necessarily want to eat what I eat or when I eat, but I managed to get through it.

I have also recruited two of my good friends to go walking with me. We've been walking in the mall because its been kinda rainy. That's been so much fun. We get to talk about our challenges and life's issues. I get to see my friends that I normally don't get to see very often. Its another thing that makes me look at my schedule and say, "When can I walk?" Instead of using my schedule as a reason for not walking.

I look forward to getting on the scale. I'm so proud of the work I've done I just know it's going to end in a good result. Dealing with a not-so-good result will be something I have to work with my therapist about because that has always been a hurdle for me.

I'm back....308lbs

Back to blogging. I have one rule for my family, friends, followers....I don't want to hear "It's OK that you got off track, we all have our setbacks." It's OK for you to think that, and I appreciate that everyone is trying to be positive, but it's not OK for me to get off track. When I was blogging last year my last four or five posts were all exactly the same...lame excuses as to why I was not following my plan. If any of you start to see that pattern DON'T BE NICE!! Tell me to snap out of it, quit whining, etc. Please remind me that I am trying to do this because I desperately want to have a baby and it ain't gonna happen if I'm "off track" for months at a time. Be honest rather than polite....please?

OK, so I'm seeing this great therapist and she noticed that I spoke most positively about my weight loss when I was either working together with a co-worker (Shelley, you and me on Weight Watchers was the best), or blogging about it like I did last year. So here I go with the blog. I'm going to email my therapist to keep me accountable, but would also love it if any of you would be interested in helping out.

One of the things she suggested is that I plan my meals one day at a time rather than thinking about the whole week. She also reminded me that it is OK to eat the Lean Cuisines, Smart Ones, etc. I don't have to go all hard core. She also pointed out that I am killing myself trying to make every little thing. Its OK to go to Wendy's or Subway and get a healthy sandwich or salad. I'm also going to try to make Whole Foods my go-to place when I'm out and about, as opposed to McD's which is my current go-to place.

So my goals for this week are:

• Blog about the plan
• Recruit a friend to be a supporter (someone I can talk about my ups and downs with, someone I can walk/workout with, someone who will be honest and question me when I start to fall off track)
• Email my therapist with my current day's meal plan and whether or not I stuck to the previous days' meal plan
• Weigh in weekly and email my therapist with that as well