1/21/12 - Day 1

I don't know what I weigh, I've thrown away my scale.

So, since June of last year I have tried a couple of new things. The first thing I tried was HCG. I think I might have even been taking HCG when I posting last year and not mentioning it. I was really worried that I'd get a lot of backlash about crash-dieting. Turns out most of my friends are either on it or have tried it. Its a hormone that I was taking in liquid form and it makes your body release fat. The HCG hormone is usually produced during pregnancy so that baby gets nutrients. I actually checked with my doctor, she didn't have a problem with it. I had several friends taking it who had huge success, so I thought I'd give it a shot. It worked well, but it was a really hard diet. When I was taking the drops I was only allowed to eat 500 calories a day. The first month I did it I wasn't hungry at all. If you eat high-nutrient foods it really worked well. But eventually my body built up a tolerance to it and I could not do 500 calories. So I went off it and binged for several months.

In August, as most of you know, they put me on Groupon. It was great! I sold a ton of massages have all these new clients, but I was working myself into the ground and eating complete junk day in and day out. How I didn't gain every single pound back I have no idea. Even though I don't have a scale I am aware that I am pretty close to the same weight as I was last summer just from a couple doctor's visits I've had recently (bronchitis, nothing crazy).

So in December I heard an ad on the radio for Overeaters Anonymous. I actually heard the ad several times before I looked it up. I found quite a few meetings in this area and thought, "What the heck!" Friends, let me tell you I have never felt better in my whole life. I go to meetings three times a week, I am working through the 12 Steps, I read their literature every day, I write in a journal everyday. The biggest effect its had on me is that I've realized that this is a disease, that I can't control it anymore than I could control cancer. I can do certain things to make my situation better, I can "take my medicine" which is how I have to think about eating, but I am always going to have a disease. In OA they promise that if I follow their plan I will go into remission and live freely without the disease hanging around my neck, but it will always be a part of me. I've known a couple of people in my life who have had cancer, they have all chosen to keep living their life but do what they can to recover. I have to do the same thing.

I have abstained from sugar for 57 days. There have been a couple days where I unknowingly ate something that had sugar in it, but as soon as I figured it out I cut it out of my diet and continued on. In OA their definition of abstinence is refraining from eating compulsively and avoiding foods that could trigger you to eat compulsively while working toward recovery (not an exact quote). I am supposed to be eating according to a plan, but I have not been doing that as well as I have been avoiding sugar. In OA they give out tokens for milestones and I had one for 30 days no sugar, but I gave it back at today's meeting. I had a relapse yesterday, I had a very bad day and turned to food that was not on my plan and contained sugar.

One of the things I was able to figure out today is that when I have one positive or negative emotion I'm pretty good at dealing with it and moving on. When its just one thing I don't feel like I have to medicate/celebrate with food. But when I have several emotions at once (good or bad), as I did yesterday, I can't deal with it and I fall into old habits. Soooooooooooo...any suggestions on getting past this barrage of emotions that usually happens once every 28 days??

In OA we say the Serenity Prayer. I'm still working on who I'm praying to, but that's for another post. But today in my writing and meditating I kind broke it down a little:

God...

Grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

I cannot change the fact that I have this disease. I will always have it. I need a higher power to help me deal with it.

Courage to change the things I can...

I can change my food plan. I can pick and choose foods that are good for me. I can medicate myself with nutrients instead of poison.

Wisdom to know the difference.

I definitely need the help of a higher power and the people of OA. I cannot do this by myself.

I can't even begin to tell you how freeing it is to be able to say that last line...I cannot do this by myself. I've been trying for 30 years. Talk about the definition of insanity.

6/23/11 283lbs

I have FINALLY put a dent in my weight. I finally feel like I am losing weight. I have a long way to go, but I actually feel lighter. I look down and my stomach is smaller. I can stand at work for longer without it hurting my feet.

I've gone pretty extreme. No carbs at all: no bread, pasta, potatoes. No sugar at all. And no dairy at all. Just lean protein, two fruits a day and vegetables. I've managed to stick to it for the past 10 days.

My friends have been really helpful. Nina has introduced me to Vemma, which keeps me loaded up on anti-oxidants, vitamins and minerals. I use the Vemma Thirst, which goes in a bottle of water, so that I'm sure to drink my water. My friends at Starbucks are helping me stay away from the sweets and pastries there. My friend Katie was so awesome the other night; I dropped in for a visit and she made me a salad even though the rest of the family was eating pork chops and rice. When I go to trivia on Tuesdays my girls are so supportive, they always keep the basket of chips way on the other side of the table so I can't get to it...haha.

I've decided that when I get to my half-way point, which is 227lbs, I am going to buy myself a diamond. I never got an engagement ring, so I'd love to have something sparkly. It's also kind of a new beginning. When I get to my half-way point we'll get re-engaged, have a little honeymoon period while I lose the rest of the weight, then have a baby!

Keep your fingers crossed.

6/7/11 293lbs

Carbs are the devil. Obviously carbs are my issue. I've had less than 1oo carbs a day for over a week now, with almost no problems and...tah-dah...weight loss. One could argue that I lose weight whenever I pay attention to what I'm eating. Whether its counting calories, not eating animal protein, eating only shakes, eating every two hours, not eating carbs, in all those situations I lost weight. And when my life gets hectic and I stop focusing on what I am eating...I gain weight. But I must say, that when I cut out carbs I'm not as hungry. If I eat oatmeal or a bagel for breakfast at 8am I am hungry by 10am. If I eat a couple of slices of pre-cooked bacon and a hard-boiled egg, I am not hungry until 12pm easily.

I'm not living a total Atkins lifestyle. I am having almost 100% protein for breakfast, but then for lunch I have a huge green salad. And dinner is more lean protein and either another green salad or some kind of vegetable. I've been getting my sweet fix with berries and Cool Whip Free. I guess the way I'm eating is a little closer to South Beach, but I'm not following anything I'm just trying to use common sense.

I have switched to weighing/blogging on Tuesdays because I go to Trivia at Finnigan's every Tuesday night and I can't have a drink because I'm afraid of getting on the scale the next day. If I weigh in before I go I won't have that anxiety.

I've also been drinking this Mangosteen product called Vemma. It's basically liquid vitamins. But I think because its liquid my body is absorbing it better and so the vitamins and anti-oxidants are actually doing their job. I have a ton more energy, also I've noticed my foot and ankle pain diminishing which keeps me moving for a little bit longer. Steve had a lot of beer the other night and he only had a teeny headache the next day, no throwing up, no stomach problems at all. It's kind of expensive, but totally worth it. Plus, Steve and I take a handful of vitamins everyday so we were probably spending the same amount in all of those vitamins as we are on Vemma. I think its helping me focus more on sticking to a low-carb diet. Although a 2oz shot of Vemma has 8 carbs....hahaha I don't care!!

5/25/11 297lbs

I know, I know its been over two weeks! Things were really bad when I posted my last blog. I received overwhelming response and support from all of my friends and family, thank you all so much.

So, now I'm back on a losing track. I've been tracking my food on Weight Watchers, counting my points and trudging along. One of my on-going struggles is that I am so hungry all the time. One day I decided to try eating every two hours, but I couldn't even wait the whole two hours before I was hungry again. When I asked my therapist what she thought, she suggested that its because I'm eating almost all carbs. I start my day with oatmeal, usually have either an apple or banana as a snack, have a Lean Cuisine for lunch with either a salad or carrots on the side, it is all carbs. My first serving of real protein doesn't come until lunch time and that is usually a pretty small amount in the frozen dinner. So, the next day I tried eating as few carbs as possible. Sure enough, I wasn't hungry all day. I ate every four hours and had no hunger pangs at all.

So I've done some grocery shopping. Got some stuff for omelets, stuff for chicken salad and tuna salad, more vegetables to eat at dinner time. I've been eating low-carb for two days now and I'm not nearly as hungry. Something I always notice when I start to eat low carb is that i have an immediate change, my clothes get baggy instantly. So I'll give this a try for a while. I'm sure I'll get burned out on it eventually and have another meltdown. Stay tuned.

5/11/11 301 lbs

Here's the thing. This happens EVERY TIME. I get all gung-ho about losing weight for a few weeks and then it all falls apart. Its like I fool myself into thinking that I can do it, and I go along with that for a while, and then reality sets in and I realize that I don't have time or the energy to keep it all up.

I'm also have a serious mid-life crisis. I want to be self-employed, but I also want to make a decent amount of money. I'm constantly being torn by the concept of being my own boss and being in a company that I can excel in. I've also been screwed over by every job I've ever had, so I have this fear that if I went back to work for a company I'd kill myself to impress the boss and go no where (which has happened over and over again EVEN IN MY OWN BUSINESS). I'm living in this sea of wishy-washy-ness. I work at Starbucks for the security, but then I have this business for the freedom. I am getting pulled in about 18 different directions, and NOT MAKING ANY MONEY.

The job and the food thing go hand-in-hand. I have always felt that if I could be my own boss I would have control over my eating habits. Obviously that is not the answer. I also have always felt that if I could get to a certain level of financial comfort I would have control over my eating habits. Well I'm killing myself trying to get to that point. I'm just running in this hamster wheel going no where. Having no money and staying fat.

My husband turns into a robot when I bring all this up. "Whatever you want, dear." "Whatever makes you happy." "Sounds good to me."

So during our vacation I spent a lot of time listening to my friend who works for Estee Lauder. She started out as a counter-girl and now she's a big wig educator. I don't want her job, she travels way too much. But I can't help thinking, if she can do it so can I! Should I go to my managers at Starbucks and tell them that I'm interested in moving up? Should I go to my friend at Aveda and tell her? Although at Aveda I'd have to work there for years without insurance before I get into management. Should I apply at the Estee Lauder counter in Hanes Mall Belk, which apparently is the most profitable counter in the whole Southeast, where I could be a counter girl and make a huge commission and possibly move into management? Oh, by the way, in all those jobs I'm going to be on my feet for eight hours a day which will absolutely KILL ME!!

All my life I have been fed this line of bullshit about working hard and moving up in a company. I've been blindly working hard my whole life and ITS NOT WORKING!!! Meanwhile everyone I know...my sister, my friends, random people that I meet...are all there. What happened? How am I still working like I'm 25? How did I put myself through school TWICE and not have anything come of it TWICE!?

I'm tired, I'm tired of killing myself with work, I'm tired of being broke, I'm tired of being fat. But I have no clue how to fix any of it....none. No amount of EFT tapping will tell me what to do. No amount of talking to a therapist, spiritual counselor, girlfriend will make it happen. There's a switch in me that needs to be flipped and I have no idea where it is or how to flip it.

4/27/11 297lbs

Hooray! I lost a pound! Considering the past two weeks have been my busiest ever, that is a miracle. I don't even know what I did to lose. I didn't walk, I didn't drink nearly enough water. I did make pretty good choices though. We had lots of salads for dinner, even had a salad for lunch over the weekend. Our Easter dinner was a disaster, so I didn't eat a whole lot of it. How many times do I have to tell people not to buy meat at Walmart?!?! Steve bought ribs at Walmart and they were basically bone-in slabs of rubber despite his painstaking, day-long preparation.

Oh, Thyroid Update! The doc said that the first test it was up and then the second test (which was a week later) it was down a little bit. All my other hormone levels are normal, so she doesn't want to put me on a thyroid medication that could cause heart palpitations and high blood pressure. My Grandpa died from a hyperthyroid, so I'm not in a big hurry to speed up my thyroid if its not needed. I'm going back in September to have another check. She said if its up then she's going to send me to an endocrinologist. My hope is that by September I will be down about 50-60 lbs and I'll be healthy as a horse!

I don't have much else to report this week. Like I said, I kinda feel like I've cheated the scale this week. But that one pound has sky-rocketed my motivation, so next week I'll have plenty to talk about.

4/20/11 298lbs

Usually I have my little gain every four weeks. Its only been three. I did have a crazy week last week. I ate out almost every meal, and while I made good choices it was still eating out. Didn't drink nearly enough water either. Also didn't walk at all, well unless you count the countless treks in and out of Wake Forest Baptist Health Center. I already had a busy week planned, and then the education department added about 100 new CPR classes.

If I'm not eating because I'm stressed I'm eating because "I deserve it." I don't have time to reward myself with anything else, like a facial or a massage, so I eat.

This feels like the hardest thing I've ever done. I have to tell myself not to do something, not to go to McDonalds, not to go to Krispy Kreme, etc. I have to listen to myself. I have to discipline myself. It's miserable. Its funny because I look at last week's blog and think, "Who wrote that?" "Who is that optimistic person?" Because right now I've gone back to my old habits of, "Who gives a crap." And, "I'll work it off later."

It'll be interesting to go back later and look at my different blogs, the bright peppy ones where I'm sure I can stick to this forever and the dark negative ones where I'm sure I'll be fat forever.