So, since June of last year I have tried a couple of new things. The first thing I tried was HCG. I think I might have even been taking HCG when I posting last year and not mentioning it. I was really worried that I'd get a lot of backlash about crash-dieting. Turns out most of my friends are either on it or have tried it. Its a hormone that I was taking in liquid form and it makes your body release fat. The HCG hormone is usually produced during pregnancy so that baby gets nutrients. I actually checked with my doctor, she didn't have a problem with it. I had several friends taking it who had huge success, so I thought I'd give it a shot. It worked well, but it was a really hard diet. When I was taking the drops I was only allowed to eat 500 calories a day. The first month I did it I wasn't hungry at all. If you eat high-nutrient foods it really worked well. But eventually my body built up a tolerance to it and I could not do 500 calories. So I went off it and binged for several months.
In August, as most of you know, they put me on Groupon. It was great! I sold a ton of massages have all these new clients, but I was working myself into the ground and eating complete junk day in and day out. How I didn't gain every single pound back I have no idea. Even though I don't have a scale I am aware that I am pretty close to the same weight as I was last summer just from a couple doctor's visits I've had recently (bronchitis, nothing crazy).
So in December I heard an ad on the radio for Overeaters Anonymous. I actually heard the ad several times before I looked it up. I found quite a few meetings in this area and thought, "What the heck!" Friends, let me tell you I have never felt better in my whole life. I go to meetings three times a week, I am working through the 12 Steps, I read their literature every day, I write in a journal everyday. The biggest effect its had on me is that I've realized that this is a disease, that I can't control it anymore than I could control cancer. I can do certain things to make my situation better, I can "take my medicine" which is how I have to think about eating, but I am always going to have a disease. In OA they promise that if I follow their plan I will go into remission and live freely without the disease hanging around my neck, but it will always be a part of me. I've known a couple of people in my life who have had cancer, they have all chosen to keep living their life but do what they can to recover. I have to do the same thing.
I have abstained from sugar for 57 days. There have been a couple days where I unknowingly ate something that had sugar in it, but as soon as I figured it out I cut it out of my diet and continued on. In OA their definition of abstinence is refraining from eating compulsively and avoiding foods that could trigger you to eat compulsively while working toward recovery (not an exact quote). I am supposed to be eating according to a plan, but I have not been doing that as well as I have been avoiding sugar. In OA they give out tokens for milestones and I had one for 30 days no sugar, but I gave it back at today's meeting. I had a relapse yesterday, I had a very bad day and turned to food that was not on my plan and contained sugar.
One of the things I was able to figure out today is that when I have one positive or negative emotion I'm pretty good at dealing with it and moving on. When its just one thing I don't feel like I have to medicate/celebrate with food. But when I have several emotions at once (good or bad), as I did yesterday, I can't deal with it and I fall into old habits. Soooooooooooo...any suggestions on getting past this barrage of emotions that usually happens once every 28 days??
In OA we say the Serenity Prayer. I'm still working on who I'm praying to, but that's for another post. But today in my writing and meditating I kind broke it down a little:
God...
Grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change...
I cannot change the fact that I have this disease. I will always have it. I need a higher power to help me deal with it.
Courage to change the things I can...
I can change my food plan. I can pick and choose foods that are good for me. I can medicate myself with nutrients instead of poison.
Wisdom to know the difference.
I definitely need the help of a higher power and the people of OA. I cannot do this by myself.
I can't even begin to tell you how freeing it is to be able to say that last line...I cannot do this by myself. I've been trying for 30 years. Talk about the definition of insanity.
