5/25/11 297lbs

I know, I know its been over two weeks! Things were really bad when I posted my last blog. I received overwhelming response and support from all of my friends and family, thank you all so much.

So, now I'm back on a losing track. I've been tracking my food on Weight Watchers, counting my points and trudging along. One of my on-going struggles is that I am so hungry all the time. One day I decided to try eating every two hours, but I couldn't even wait the whole two hours before I was hungry again. When I asked my therapist what she thought, she suggested that its because I'm eating almost all carbs. I start my day with oatmeal, usually have either an apple or banana as a snack, have a Lean Cuisine for lunch with either a salad or carrots on the side, it is all carbs. My first serving of real protein doesn't come until lunch time and that is usually a pretty small amount in the frozen dinner. So, the next day I tried eating as few carbs as possible. Sure enough, I wasn't hungry all day. I ate every four hours and had no hunger pangs at all.

So I've done some grocery shopping. Got some stuff for omelets, stuff for chicken salad and tuna salad, more vegetables to eat at dinner time. I've been eating low-carb for two days now and I'm not nearly as hungry. Something I always notice when I start to eat low carb is that i have an immediate change, my clothes get baggy instantly. So I'll give this a try for a while. I'm sure I'll get burned out on it eventually and have another meltdown. Stay tuned.

5/11/11 301 lbs

Here's the thing. This happens EVERY TIME. I get all gung-ho about losing weight for a few weeks and then it all falls apart. Its like I fool myself into thinking that I can do it, and I go along with that for a while, and then reality sets in and I realize that I don't have time or the energy to keep it all up.

I'm also have a serious mid-life crisis. I want to be self-employed, but I also want to make a decent amount of money. I'm constantly being torn by the concept of being my own boss and being in a company that I can excel in. I've also been screwed over by every job I've ever had, so I have this fear that if I went back to work for a company I'd kill myself to impress the boss and go no where (which has happened over and over again EVEN IN MY OWN BUSINESS). I'm living in this sea of wishy-washy-ness. I work at Starbucks for the security, but then I have this business for the freedom. I am getting pulled in about 18 different directions, and NOT MAKING ANY MONEY.

The job and the food thing go hand-in-hand. I have always felt that if I could be my own boss I would have control over my eating habits. Obviously that is not the answer. I also have always felt that if I could get to a certain level of financial comfort I would have control over my eating habits. Well I'm killing myself trying to get to that point. I'm just running in this hamster wheel going no where. Having no money and staying fat.

My husband turns into a robot when I bring all this up. "Whatever you want, dear." "Whatever makes you happy." "Sounds good to me."

So during our vacation I spent a lot of time listening to my friend who works for Estee Lauder. She started out as a counter-girl and now she's a big wig educator. I don't want her job, she travels way too much. But I can't help thinking, if she can do it so can I! Should I go to my managers at Starbucks and tell them that I'm interested in moving up? Should I go to my friend at Aveda and tell her? Although at Aveda I'd have to work there for years without insurance before I get into management. Should I apply at the Estee Lauder counter in Hanes Mall Belk, which apparently is the most profitable counter in the whole Southeast, where I could be a counter girl and make a huge commission and possibly move into management? Oh, by the way, in all those jobs I'm going to be on my feet for eight hours a day which will absolutely KILL ME!!

All my life I have been fed this line of bullshit about working hard and moving up in a company. I've been blindly working hard my whole life and ITS NOT WORKING!!! Meanwhile everyone I know...my sister, my friends, random people that I meet...are all there. What happened? How am I still working like I'm 25? How did I put myself through school TWICE and not have anything come of it TWICE!?

I'm tired, I'm tired of killing myself with work, I'm tired of being broke, I'm tired of being fat. But I have no clue how to fix any of it....none. No amount of EFT tapping will tell me what to do. No amount of talking to a therapist, spiritual counselor, girlfriend will make it happen. There's a switch in me that needs to be flipped and I have no idea where it is or how to flip it.